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How to be a Successful NGU (Non-Grown Up) Part V: Love and Protect Animals

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Just like modern Stone Age families, every day we have to decide to kill the animals before they kill us. Or let them in our home and name them Dino. Meat and survival is one thing, but getting hurt for fun and money is not what animal brains crave.

Here’s a list of animals that are okay to abuse:

  • Unicorns
  • Flying, fire breathing Dragons
  • Jackalopes
  • Smurfs
  • Gremlins
  • Gremlins 2 the new Batch

Hey! We’re not talking about abusing the good gremlins are we? No! We’re saying even imaginary animals don’t wander the earth trying to earn battle scars. A Smurf is clearly not an animal, but if Smurfs were forced to fight to the death or live in a zoo…you would feel bad. Question the authority (part 1) that says it’s a great idea to cage animals like living televisions shows. Just because somebody said Squirrels are thrilled to help you improve your aim. Doesn’t make it true. They’re actually thrilled to be alive. You can tell by how fluffy there tails are.

When can I hit my dog? His name is Burke and he is the cutest dog I’ve ever met. Several times a day he lets me know that he clearly understands English and loves me like the Iron Giant loved that kid. Several more times a day he lets me know that he is a jerk who steals socks even though he’s not supposed to. So that’s when it’s okay to punch the cutest puppy in the world right in the face? No! I’m the maniac who thinks I can live with an animal. It’s up to me to not become an animal. Dogs don’t learn to behave; they learn to fear pain just like I do.

Deciding between flies and spiders. Spiders creep me out and I don’t like getting bitten by flies. Yet at some point we decided which animals are disposable. Like goldfish, spiders, snails, & whales. I try not to kill any of those little guys on purpose.  I also heard that goldfish are not a shitty disposable fish in the wild. They do okay on their own. It’s up to humans to stop treating everything as disposable and that includes animals. Isn’t that right Mr. Rare Bird? Oh never mind, he’s extinct because some guy wanted to play more golf. (Insert sad face emoji here)

Who put you in charge? Well you did. You decide where you stand in the food chain and how many animals you eat. You rarely encounter kangaroos that challenge you to boxing matches. So there’s no need to fight an animal. If you do have a pet animal of any kind, you gave yourself the responsibility to love and protect that animal. That’s a fact that should be tattooed on every adorable animal’s face.

It can be easy to coexist with animals Just Follow these 3 simple Rules:

1 Identify super dangerous animals and leave them alone.

2 Don’t poke or threaten any animals! Love them and leave them alone.

3 If it has the magic ability to fly don’t cut it’s wings, just leave it alone!

 

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No Such Thing as Grown Ups is your podcast survival guide to the Pre-Apocalypse. NGU(non-grownup) Gurus Curtis Carey & Tara Audibert have figured out there’s no grown ups and want to help you live life to the fullest while preparing for the worst! Get more advice & teachings for NGU’s via podcast, comics, blog rants, animations, puppetry and videos at our wesbite and follow us on twitter for frequent updates.

Author: Grown Up Truth team

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